A Knute in Every Pot

 

by Knute Lombardi
October 18, 2006
Exlusive to TrueAggies.com/UStateAgs.com

 

With the mid-term elections right around the corner I started thinking about what would happen if local college football were handled like politics. What if halfway through every season, fans were able to vote for players to start, different broadcasters or even for coaches? What if we started seeing campaign signs everywhere and even better, we started seeing ads on TV and hearing them on the radio?

It would be a complete folderol. It might also be fun.

<CLICK>

Beauty shots of full Rice-Eccles stadium fading to various slo-mo action scenes and intensity hero shots of Kyle Whittingham on the sidelines.

“Kyle Whittingham was there when busted the BCS…Kyle Whittingham has been through the wars…Kyle Whittingham went to BYU but still chose to coach at Utah…Kyle Whittingham knows what he is doing…Every vote against Kyle Whittingham helps the terrorists win..”

Cut to shot of Whittingham in full game day attire in front of a billowing Ute flag.

“I’m Kyle Whittingham and I approve of this message.”

Whittingham walks off screen. Flag continues to wave.

“This message paid for by parents of members of the MUSS who think the money they are sending their kids for college is going toward books.”

<CLICK>

Wide shot of throngs of clean cut, blue clad, smiling fans entering LaVell Edward Stadium. “Come, Come Ye Saints” plays in the background.

“And in that day one would rise up”

Cut to shots of Bronco Mendenhall pacing the sidelines.

“Rise up and deliver the elect from the valley of the shadow of darkness and return them once again into the light.”

Cut to shots of BYU scoring play, fans standing and cheering and Bronco looking beatific on the sideline.

“That day is today and that man is Brother Bronco Mendenhall.”

Cut to BYU locker room as team prayer ends.

“I’m Bronco Mendenhall and I approve of this message.”

Backlit hero image fades slowly.

“This message paid for by any Mormon who didn’t expressly write “No monies to BYU” on his tithing slip.”

<CLICK>

Shots of well executed offensive plays

“Andy Ludwig knows offense. He’s been running it for years. Some would have you believe Kyle Whittingham knows offense, he knows jack.”

Shots of conservative, boring football

“Who do you want running your offense? Someone who knows offense or some ape who played defense? Re-elect Andy Ludwig as the Utah Offensive Coordinator and show your support for offense.”

Cut to Ludwig holding a football and standing with Tommy Grady.

“I would have picked the right QB to begin with. I’m Andy Ludwig and I approve of this message.”

<CLICK>

Brent Guy standing in Romney Stadium holding a homemade sign that reads: “Re-elect Coach Guy”.

“This ad paid for by donations from USU boosters.”

<CLICK>

Shots of a guy sitting in front of his TV doing play by play to a game

“Yew want some real insight and excitement with Aggie football? Then yew need to vote fer me; Jeb Rostenberger.”

Back to shots of Jeb at local Little League and HS football games talking out loud as if calling the game

“I have extensive football experience from years of observing football at the highest level and I know how to say about what ah’m seein’.”

Cut to shots of Jeb sitting in front of his radio with a disgusted look on his face

“The Al Lewis regime has been in power long enough and has squandered opportunities at multi-lateral broadcasts with in booth guests such as local football aficionados such as me; Jeb Rostenberger.”

Cut to shots of radio microphone

“My on air resume is extensive even up to and including several calls that were taken on air by the gentlemen at Aggie Call”

Shot of Jeb talking into a phone.

“Of course a double-reverse flea-flicker with a hook and ladder on 4th and 20 from your own 16 is crazy! That’s why it would work! You media liberals think you’re so open minded but it’s clear you can’t see the forest from the trees!”

Jeb looks at the camera and winks.

“So this November, say yes fer a local with opinions and say no to experience and preparation by voting fer Jeb Rostenberger over Al Lewis! Yer damn right I approve of this message ya pot-lickers!”

Jeb turns back to an intramural flag football game and resumes doing play by play to no one in particular.

“Paid for by the Society of Guys who Think Because They are Loud and Opinionated They Could do Live Play by Play”.

<POWER OFF>

See? That’d be fun every fall wouldn’t it?

Now…on to The Ol’ Crystal Ball!

TOCB has taken a beating the past few weeks. The Aggies are completely screwing with TOCB and the Utes aren’t much help either.

I cleaned some red Kool-Aid out of it this week. I think that may have solved the Utah problem. I sent it to tech support and they found the problem. I let ViAggie take it to watch the Ags play UNLV on WAC.TV last year and it’s caught in what the coneheads called an “optimism loop”. They said they usually see this with crystal balls affiliated with BYU and most NFL teams but it’s rare that the event is Aggie-centric. They slammed the ball against an old picture of Dave Arslanian and said it should be good to go. We’ll see.

Utah @ UNM

No more Kool Aid. I’m going completely against Utah the rest of the season. Unless they are playing teams like New Mexico and UNLV. Just so happens they are in Albucrapee this week for a game they should win…just like last week when they got stoned in Laramie. Coach Can’twiningham is saying his QB wasn’t his first choice, adding to said QB’s soaring confidence level I’m sure, and the defense thinks they are on an every other week schedule. I think they put it back together this week but I see the roller coaster ride continuing the rest of the season.

Utah 24, UNM 13

UNLV @ BYU

There’s nothing to say about this game. Seriously.

BYU 48, UNLV 12

USU @ La. Tech

The Aggies were oh-so-close at San Jose and really could have won that game. I’m hoping the coaching staff in Logan has pared down the playbook for the Freshman and someday the Ags may actually go downfield further than 4 yards someday. The Ags pulled the Fresno game out because they opened things up and trusted Riley Nelson but that ended at San Jose. Nelson is the real deal and the team, despite the horrid start, has some new found confidence. Young teams need to learn how to win, they’ve broken through at home and now they need to find a way to do so on the road. Maybe the optimism loop is still plaguing TOCB but I see the Ags breaking through.

USU 21, La. Tech 17

That’s all folks, enjoy the games!

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As always, you can email feedback, or comments and suggestions to Knute at knute@aggies.com

Knute