Quoth the Knute...Nevermore

by Knute Lombardi
October 4, 2006
Exlusive to TrueAggies.com/UStateAgs.com

 

Wow. Crow sure tastes nasty.

See when you get to yappin’ about how well you’re doing at something, that’s when it all caves in like a Massachusetts tunnel project.

I had to make that comment about TOCB being 9-1 didn’t I? Well, after an 0-3 week there’s plenty of humble pie with a side of crow being eaten in the Lombardi house. More on that later.

For now, it’s time to flip the TV back on and check out Dr. Phil. This week on Dr. Phil, AggieFan, UteFan and CougarFan.

Dr. Phil: “Hey y’all it’s time once again for our look into the twisted psyche of the American sports fan. Joining me today are three representatives from the major universities in Utah. Please welcome UteFan."

UteFan: (Rocking back and forth, looking rumpled and confused with Kool-Aid stains all over his white Utah sweatshirt) "Heeeeyy. We are awesome, or were, or we’re gonna be. You’ll see. Bring on UVSC and we’ll show you!"

Phil: "M’kay. Jist, jist hang on to yer pom-poms there Cochise. Also welcome CougarFan."

CougarFan: (Wearing a white collared shirt under a nice BYU sweater with perfectly coiffed hair and nice teeth) "Rise and shout the Cougars are out brothers and sisters! I’m Arverd from Payson and it’s nice to see that the prayers of the faithful really are answered and the correct order of things is once again coming to fruition."

Phil: "Thanks, Arverd but I got my own Church. And finally, please say hello to…AggieFan!"

(Lone tumbleweed rolls across the stage)

Phil: “C’mon buddy. Folks he’s a little shy. It’s okay pal, the Cubbies still have fans. And look at the Red Sox, c’mon out.”

(Face peeks around curtain, crickets chirp)

Phil: “This always works. ALL RIGHT! LET’S TALK AGGIE BASKETBALL!!”

(USUFan bursts out doing the “milking” motion from the Scotsman) “Who doesn’t love the place…where the sage…brush…groooooowwwwssss!”

Phil: “Jist kiddin’ sport this is a football discussion.”

(AggieFan turns to run) “Gotta go! Deer hunt! Gotta plow the grain under! My wife wants to go to Layton to go shopping! The BYU game is on I think I’ll watch that instead!”

Phil: "SIT DOWN AND I PROMISE WE’LL TALK BASKETBALL IN A MINUTE!”

USUFan: (Sinks down and slumps in his chair) "Whatever. Aggies suck."

Phil: "So let’s get busy. I’m itchier than a groundhog in a hailstorm. Now UteFan, what seems to be the problem?"

UteFan: (twitching) “Problem? There’s no problem. Everything is fine, the BCS busting bad boys are back so don’t be dissin’ the U!”

BYUFan: “How about 0-2 versus legit D-1 teams? I’d say that’s a bit of a problem my Gentile friend.”

UteFan: (leaps out of his chair) "SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! YOU’VE GOT PROBLEMS TOO!"

BYUFan: “We just beat a Top 25 opponent on the road and barely lost to another. No getting blown out for us. Looks like the hate and worldly ways of your fanbase has finally brought judgment upon your team."

UTEFan: “Hey…HEY! What does a BYU co-ed do when you bring out alcohol at a party? Puts her shirt back on and leaves! How’s that Mr. High and Mighty? Huh? HUH!?”

Phil: "All right, ALL RIGHT! There’s no need to be actin’ like a couple of wombats with a thyroid condition trapped in an old stump on Thursday. Here’s yer problem UteFan, see you were so mediocre fer so long, the success you had a couple of years ago swelled yer head like BYU co-eds rear end after a year of marriage…”

BYUFan: “Excuse me…”

Phil: “Shut up Peter Priesthood you’ll get yer turn. Back to you UteFan. You need to get grounded and get yer head out of the Kool-Aid bowl. Yer a decent team in a conference that jist ain’t very good. You had yer 15 minutes 2 years ago and while you’ll probably be pretty decent for a while you ain’t one of the big boys and probably never will be. So ratchet down the expectations, enjoy a solid program and thank yer lucky stars for a decent athletic department. As fer you Elder Berry, what seems to be your dilemma?”

BYUFan: “Nothing. Everything is peachy. I’m blessed. I have a nice house in Payson and a new Suburban and I go to a fairly wealthy ward and BYU is coming back. It’s clear I’m favored of the Man on High.”

Phil: “MmmHmmm. How many Zoloft you take this morning? Here’s yer deal. Yer team isn’t a missionary tool and the Good Lord doesn’t care about the outcome of a game or how nice your car and house are or if your ward building is nice and new with lots of German built autos in the parking lot. Your team seems to be trending in the right direction, are you enjoying the ride?”

BYUFan: “Well, I guess. If only John Beck were a little better and Vakapuna got more carries than Brown…”

Phil: “Ya see! There it is! Earlier your jumped on UteFan like a horny hound on a freshly shaved leg and now you ain’t happy with a couple of pretty solid players. I think you need to take a page outta yer hymnal and Count Yer Many Blessings and quit worrying about what everyone else is doing or has and git yer own house in order. AggieFan?”

AggieFan: (jumps and screams) "Ahh! What?"

Phil: “I coulda dressed Eeyore in a Navy blue sweatshirt and got more energy than yer givin’ me. What’s the problem?”

AggieFan: “Well, nothing. Stew had a decent recruiting class and it may be slow early but we’ll be in contention for the league title.”

Phil: "Yer duckin’ like a member of a Cheney huntin’ party. What about football?”

AggieFan: “What about it? We suck. Always have. Never been good, never will. No sense in supporting such a crappy product. I have other things to do. I go to the local high school games, they could all beat USU. The games are at inconvenient times. I’m busy in the afternoon and I’m busy at night and it’s too cold and there aren’t enough bathrooms and…”

Phil: “Whoaaaa there, pardner. Take a breath. Well you certainly have all your bases covered. Why do you even care about how your team does? Why do you call yourself an Aggie fan?”

USUFan: “I’ll go back when they fire the AD and the coach and the President and the Big Blue Club makes changes and when they make the game an event and you can’t shame me into going, I’ll do what I want!”

Phil: “All right. No need to go all Hush Puppy on a hot tin roof on me. USU used to be good and there’s a whole lotta folks waiting for that day to come again but there’s a passel who don’t remember those days and don’t know what it used to be like but what you need to do is decide whether yer gonna grab the saddle horn and hang on to the buckin’ bronc or bail off into the manure. If you don’t want to be an Aggie football fan, don’t be one, but keep yer mouth shut about the program. If you do decide to be one…good luck to you. That’s all we have time for today folks, join us next time on Dr. Phil.”

USUFan: “You said we’d talk about basketball…”

Phil: “Does yer shirt say BYU?”

USUFan: (Looking down) "Well…no…”

Phil: “Then quit whinin’ like one!”

<CLICK>

The Ol’ Crystal Ball

TCU @ Utah

So I guess I had a half gallon of the Whittingham Kool-Aid. I really thought the Ute O and D lines would negate some of what Boise does. I forgot that Utah is the playground bully who beats on the little kids then gets his fat a** kicked by other kids his size. I read TCU about the same and really overestimated their defense and didn’t pay enough attention to their floundering offense. So who to pick this week? Both are out to prove last week was an aberration (how are you NOT prepared to play a Top 25 team at home?) and both need the win to stay in the Bowl race. So do I sip some red Kool-Aid or purple Kool-Aid? Which offense will struggle slightly less? Which defense will impose its will? When in doubt, go with the home team.

Utah 21, TCU 17

SDSU @ BYU

I said a couple of weeks ago I thought BYU was the best team in the state and they certainly haven’t done much to change my opinion. They are a 27 point favorite over San Diego and if they really are back in the saddle, they’ll beat SDSU like they stole something. If they aren’t quite there, they’ll struggle…but still win by at least 10.

BYU 45 SDSU 13

Fresno State @ USU

Brent Guy is running out of sacrificial lambs. If they lose to Fresno who will he fire/demote. Actually, both moves needed to be made. It’s too bad to see Riley Nelson burn a redshirt on a lost year but a move needed to be made. LJ3 was a Practice Pro but a gameday dud. He’s a good enough athlete there should be a spot for him somewhere. Nelson’s biggest asset is his football IQ. The kid is like a coach on the field and when he gets used to the speed of the college game I think he’ll be a good QB. I just wonder when the Ags will stop helping the opponent beat them. A turnover and stupid mistake-free game might equal an Aggie win but they show no sign of snapping out of that funk. Fresno is having a tough year and may not put the spanking on USU they usually would but if Idaho can hang 41 on the Aggies…well…you know. I made the homer pick last week and took USU when TOCB was screaming at me to take Idaho. No more homer picking.

I went with the Aggies to pull the upset at Wyoming, I countered TOCB and went with them against Idaho even though Idaho has always given them problems. Well, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and it proves I'm a bigger idiot than I thought!

Fresno 35, USU 21

 

Enjoy the games this weekend sports fans!

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As always, you can email feedback, or comments and suggestions to Knute at knute@aggies.com

Knute