Knute Day Dawning

by Knute Lombardi
September 14, 2006
Exlusive to TrueAggies.com/UStateAgs.com

 

Kickers.

These are guys that the rest of the team already dislikes. So if you’re a kicker, would you be going out of your way to give your team mates locker room ammo? Didn’t think so. But remember, we’re talking about kickers here. In their defense, if a kicker misses FG that could’ve won or tied the game, it’s all the kicker’s fault. Not the defense’s fault for letting the other team score their points, or the offense’s fault for not scoring enough. It all comes back to the kicker.

But now it’s gone too far. A back up kicker at the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley has been booted off the team and arrested for pulling a Gilooly on the starting kicker.

Apparently, the kicker, whose name I forget but will hereafter be referred to as Ms. Harding, had a couple of his boyfriends…er…buddies…assault the starting kicker (whom we will refer to as Ms. Kerrigan) in a bid to remove the competition.

The assailants, who we will refer to as Elmer Fudd and Wile E. Coyote, jumped out of a car and assaulted Ms. Kerrigan, stabbing him in the back of the head and in the side of the leg. Apparently, Elmer and Wile E. thought stabbing someone through the back of the skull with anything short of a long sword would be easy. I wonder how long they hacked away at Ms. Kerrigan before one of them realized it’d be a better idea to go to work on his legs?

Elmer Fudd: “Take that! And that you wascawy kickew! Twy to kick a ball with a hole in youw bwain!”

Wile E. Coyote: “Say chap. Just a moment. I’ve had a bit of an epiphany.”

Elmer: “That’s wight, b*tch! We own you! Ow Kickew wules! Want some mow son? Not so tough now aw you mistew wocket leg?”

Wile E.: “Stop that Elmer! We’re going about this the wrong way!”

Elmer: “Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout Wile E.?”

Wile E.: “Well, this chap kicks the ball and he uses his leg to do so, not his skull. So why are we wasting time stabbing him in the brain.”

Elmer: (Long pause) “SHUT UP AND STAB SOME MOWE!”

Wile E.: (Shrugs and takes a couple of light jabs at Ms. Kerrigans legs) “Elmer, your logic is flawless.”

After this incident, you’ll be hard pressed to find anyone out there who doesn’t find the terms “kicker” and “prima donna” to be synonymous.

On to the Knuties!

The “Babysteps to the Back of the Bus” Award:

To all the faithful USU fans talking about a 20-0 shutout at Alabama being an improvement. Beat by three scores and shut out is an improvement? Baby steps to the back of the bus…baby steps to respectability. I see their point actually but it’s sad that this is what Aggie fan has to cling to.

The “George and Weezy Jefferson Movin’ on Up” Award:

To Curtis Brown and Fui Vakapuna and their impressive rushing last Saturday. Brown is one of those guys who hasn’t been appreciated fully because of the problems BYU has had as a whole the past few years. All he’s done is climb to the top of all the BYU rushing charts and had his teams been as successful overall as the Zoobie teams in the 80’s and 90’s, he’d be talked about in the same breath as Ty Detmer and Steve Young. Okay…maybe not Steve Young. And Vakapuna is a kick to watch. I want to do a Polynesian Haka dance every time I watch him run, his intensity is that strong. Plus I’d love to be the BYU play by play guy just to say ol’ Hong Kong Fui’s name over and over.

“Fui up the middle, Fui still on his feet! Fui to the ten, Fui to the five! FUI ON YOU HE SAYS TO THE DEFENSE AS HE RUMBLES FOR THE TD!! Fui! Fui, I say!”

The “Playground Bully” Award:

To the big, bad Ute running game. They were like 5th graders on the playground when the third graders had just come out for recess. See, UCLA were the 6th graders and they slapped around the 5th graders last week but teacher called them back to class and now the 5th graders need to feel better about themselves so they’ll slap around the 3rd graders and congratulate themselves on how tough they are. Let’s see if they’re as tough when they play the 4th graders this week at Romney.

The “There’s No Place Like Home" Award:

Paging Leon Jackson III, the friendly confines of Romney Stadium await. We’ve all heard about Jackson’s Jekyll and Hyde act depending on the venue and I can’t help but wonder if Leon’s seat is heating up. There’s a big, strong armed QB in Mike Affleck behind him and a Parade All-American behind Affleck. I think Jackson’s problem lies in stadium attendance not venue. He’s great in practice where no one is watching and struggles in front of crowds. That means with Utah in town he’ll struggle again because Romney will be full, but he’ll improve later in the season as the stadium attendance feels more like practice.

The “Crewman in the Red Shirt on the Planet with Captain Kirk” Award:

You’d think at a program trying to right itself like USU, no one would be expendable. You would be wrong. EVERYONE is expendable at this program right now, not because they are overflowing with talent but because this is Brent Guy’s ship and he needs to show he is in control no matter who does what. So on the Starship USUerprise, everyone is wearing a red shirt.

The “Wake Me After Halftime” Award:

To the Utes for another slow start. They let NAU hang around for the better part of a half before coming to play. Memo to the Utes; gotta come ready to play from the opening kick because contrary to local sports radio and punditry opinion, you’re not a national power.

And now on to The Ol’ Crystal Ball!

Utah @ USU

All the things I said above about the Utes starting slow and Leon Jackson playing well at home etc. etc. blah, blah…well yah, what I said. I think LJ3 and the Ags will play better at home and I think Utah will start slow. I also think there may be nearly as many Utes as Aggies in the bleachers. By the way Wyoming lost in OT to an ACC team that they held to 13 points. Maybe the ‘Pokes D is pretty good and we know Arkansas’s is, can the Utes be any better? So LJ better, Utes open slow, Aggies tougher from a tough early schedule, maybe an Aggie upset is brewin’? Nah.


USU plays ‘em tough but Utah is too big and physical and a late surge blows open a close game.

Utah 36, USU 20

BYU at Boston College

Hong Kong Fui and the gang travel back east to take on BC. The BYU offense is back! The D is resurgent! The Zoobies are rejoicing in the new dominance of the hometown boys! Only they aren’t. Even the most hardcore of Zoobies won’t believe the glory days are back until their heroes beat a big time team. And it won’t happen this week.

BC 27 BYU 21

That’s it folks, enjoy the football!

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As always, you can email feedback, or comments and suggestions to Knute at knute@aggies.com

Knute