TOCB Comes Crashing Down

by Knute Lombardi
September 30, 2005
Exlusive to TrueAggies.com/UStateAgs.com

I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I did.

Whenever you have something good, don't loan it to someone else or you shall surely lose it. It happened that way in 8th grade when I loaned that dirty magazine I found on the side of the road to my friend Brad. One minute I had pages and pages of gorgeous, unclothed women stashed away out in the barn and the next minute, my mom is talking to Brad's hysterical mother on the phone.

<RING>

Mom: Hello.

Phone: harba zarba! Habba guzzappa happa dappa! chabappa! (at least that's what it sounded like she said, I could make out a little because Brad's mom was yelling so loud that my mom had to hold the phone away from her ear).

Mom: A what?! Where?! Knute gave it to him?

At this point mom looks up and gives me that mom look. The same look a Great White gives a sea lion just before striking. That dead-eyed, "there is no escape" look. I'm pretty sure I knew how the seal felt at this point as well. In fact, I knew what was coming and probably would have traded places with the seal.

Phone: garble blarble!! Harble ga-garble!!1 BLARBBLE!!!!

Mom: Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

She hung up on the still hysterical woman and I don't remember what happened next. Let me just say this, no matter how strong a 13 year old boy thinks he is, he's not stronger than an angry mother. She knocked me around so hard that my kids were all born cross-eyed. When I regained consciousness, I vowed never to share any secrets with Brad again. He was the one who got us busted for snooping for Christmas presents, now he had identified me as some sort of sex offender who had provided him with pornographic material and warped his chaste little mind. As near as I can tell Brad, being the barely functional doofus that he was hid the magazine under his mattress. UNDER THE MATTRESS!! You might as well hide it in your mom's cutlery drawer. ALL moms of teenage boys know that every so often, they need to check under the mattress to make sure their son isn't doing something unnatural like enjoying the naked female form or something.

But I digress, the point of this story is that I loaned The Ol' Crystal Ball to my pseudo-editor/man-who-convinced-me-to-take-this-free-writing-gig, AggieSports. He said he just wanted to check it out, see how it worked. He then proceeded to take it to Vegas and treat it like a Magic 8 Ball at the sports book.

Thus, when he returned it to me, it was all out of whack and did something foolish like picking BYU over TCU and UNLV over USU. For shame. I should have figured something was wrong, but TOCB had been on such a roll that I would never dream of questioning it. Never again AggieSports. NEVER AGAIN!

This week's Knuties

The "You CAN Teach a New Coach Old Tricks" Award: Step right up Bishop Bronco. This award is for remembering what a weapon Todd Watkins is (truly a special player Zoobies, enjoy him) and using him to his fullest extent on Saturday. Too bad he can't play defense eh?

The "Here Are The New Fans, Same as the Old Fans" Award: This goes to the Ute faithful. I'm getting ready to call the U campus Provo north after all the whining coming out of Ute Nation after their not-as-close-as-it-looks win 35-38 win over Air Force. Ute fans were calling for coaches jobs and whining about the margin of victory. You folks need to chill the hell out and enjoy the ride. Props to Ute fans for putting a lot of butts in the seats after a game I thought would throw a whole lot of people off the band wagon. Turns out, the bandwagon is still full but it has been stormed by delusional lunatics.

The "Marty McFly" Award: This goes to BYU for taking us back to the future Saturday. Now THAT looked like the BYU of old. One billion points, not a shred of defense. Bronco said he wanted to return this program to the glory days. This is a start. Get the special teams on board and that game may still be going on.

The "What Game is This? I Said Turn on the USU Game" Award: Of course goes to USU. They beat UNLV at home in come-from-behind fashion and with clutch offense and stout late-game defense. Who are these guys?

The "Best Unwitting Strategem" Award: Goes to TCU for getting their QB hurt and having an unscouted backup that actually knows how to play football come in and lead his team past a depleted BYU defense. Don't cry too hard about TCU going against a second string D Zoobies, they were doing it with their second string QB.

The "Shut up. SHUT UP!! DEAR LORD PLEASE SHUT UP!!!" Award: This goes to Steve Brown and KJZZ. The production values of that game were almost as good as the footage my 94 year old grandmother shot the first time she used the camcorder. Let's see, we missed the go ahead TD, we're looking at a low angle shot behind the offense and Steve Brown is talking like he forgot this was TV and he was still hosting his radio show. At one time I swear I heard poor Craig Hislop snoring since he hadn't been allowed to talk since the intro. Don't get me wrong, Steve Brown is a class act. He's a nice guy all around but some of the things he said blew my mind. When USU was going for 2 to tie the game he started rattling on about not thinking that was such a good idea, then it was like he realized that even if they missed, a FG would still get them the lead. But instead of just letting it go, he went on and on about it.for the next two possessions! Brownie, we love ya buddy but last week wasn't your finest hour.

The "Kurt Warner, Bill Belichick and now you, All Sold Your Soul to Satan" Award: TCU Head coach Gary Patterson everybody! I have never seen a luckier team, or a crappier 3-1 team. Seriously. You know that gay little headset that Patterson wears, I am convinced that it is connected to his offensive coordinator, and Lucifer.

Gary : "Ah geez, ah geez, whadda we gonna do fellas? Ah geez, we're down 23 with 2 minutes to go and have looked like a Pop Warner team for 58 minutes."

OC: "Y Right, gun, 603 speed option Z curl with an X cross Gary ."

Lucifer: "WRONG!"

Gary : "Ah geez Dark Lord, how about a flea flicker?"

OC: 'Yah!"

Lucifer: "NO! Gary , you know what I want."

Gary : "But I gave you my soul already. What about my OC? His soul is available."

OC: "HEY!"

Lucifer: "AND?"

Gary : "Okay, I'll throw in the DC, the entire defense, my AD annnnnnd my kids."

Lucifer: "TOUCHDOWN TCU!!!"

The "What Goes Around Comes Around" Award: To the Ute fans who are hopping on BYU post-game shows to gloat. I know, Ute fan may feel like I'm picking on them with this AND the other award, but remember when they used to do that to you Ute fan? Remember how much you hated it? That's the reason EVERYONE hates BYU now, because of how some of the Zoobs acted back when they were good. Careful Ute fan, you don't want to be the new Zoobies. And think about how hard the Zoobs will be on you the next time you have a down year and they are doing well. I just think it's the nature of sports fans to crow about your team and tease the big rivals, but what goes around, comes around. As the Zoobs how it feels./

The Ol' Crystal Ball

Okay, I sent TOCB to the shop and we'll see if the bugs got worked out, after a heck of a run, TOCB went 1-2 last week to come crashing down to earth. Crow is sure tasty.

Utah @ UNC

I have a really hard time picking 3 road victories, but the only logical pick for a road loser would be Utah by default. (Have you seen SDSU and Idaho ?) But I'm going to give TOCB a good stiff test right out of the gate with this game. UNC wants revenge for last year's Humiliation at Elevation, but I don' t think they have the tools to beat the Utes. I think the Utes go into Chapel Hill and run the ball down UNC's throat, control both lines and win this one the old fashioned way. Which is why I like Kyle Whittingham.

Utah 27, UNC 21

BYU @ SDSU

We had one WAC throwback game last week in Provo and I full expect one in San Diego this week. EVERYONE is hurt on that Cougar D. Cosmo even came up gimpy (which is different from lame, because he's always lame) after the TCU game. Even when they are healthy, the Cougars need to get some better push from their down linemen or it's going to be a looooooong season. As hobbled as BYU is, SDSU is just plain bad. I see another high scoring affair as the Cougar offense seems to have it's groove back.

BYU 48, SDSU 41

USU @ Idaho

Idaho Nick Hitler.er.Holt has lost it. Did anyone else see his recent quote about morale? "Morale is good," Holt said. " . . . While I'm around, morale is always going to be good. As long as I'm leading this program, morale is going to be exactly how I want it to be. So that's not a factor." This is both hilarious and frightening. Was he twitching when he said this? Did he look over his shoulder and yell "No, YOU shut up!" intermittently during the interview? Was he riding a horse? Does he have a sword? He's reminding me a lot of the crazy officer in Dances With Wolves who assigns Costner to Fort Backwater Freaking Egypt. Holt used to be an officer in the elite Trojan legions (assistant at USC) and now he's been transferred to a frontier post in nowhere and his mind has come unhinged.

I want to believe in the Aggies. I really do. They got their first win this year while the leaves were still on the trees and they have a legitimate shot of starting the season 3-1 for the first time since the earth cooled. If they are turning a corner, they win this game. If they are the same old Aggies, they'll be full of themselves and get routed.

I say they've turned the corner, at least one of them.

USU 21, Idaho 13

Thar she blows sportsfans. Enjoy all things football this weekend!

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As always, you can email comments, suggestions or girlie photos to Knute at knute@aggies.com

Knute